I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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