is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
