im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
high people should be assigned attendants
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
