So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
