Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
