I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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