OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
