we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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