The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
