what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
