My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
