My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
