It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
