I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Do you still have your period?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
