i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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