She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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