I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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