If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
