I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
