wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Randomize
