found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
