I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
