Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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