phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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