he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
