He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
