i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
