you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
