oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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