I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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