You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
