i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
