I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
