i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
