omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
My liver just had a heart attack.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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