My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
