Non-Jews are for practice
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
