I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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