I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
