im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
