I can text with my tongue
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
