Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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