i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
