I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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