Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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