You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
