Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
