Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize