I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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