he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
