Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
