I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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