An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
