I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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