"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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