I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
