I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
