ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
