she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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